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Assad
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(Boastfully)
I tricked my neighbor, Sunni, and seduced his wife, Syria. She felt ashamed
afterwards, just like whore, and she begged Sunni to fight for her honor. He
fought bravely, I have to admit, but I was much stronger and had better
allies, so I managed to kill him at the end.
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Syria
|
(Angrily)
Assad did not seduce me. He raped me. Sunni disavowed me and
turned Islamist with shame. I accidentally killed him with a dagger to his
cold heart. I should have bashed his head in, that shit-for-brains.
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Sunni
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(Skyping
from what he believes to be Heaven, despite the lack of virgins) Syria is
a bitch. Yes she was raped by Assad, but she enjoyed it, so
much that she wanted to stay with him. She even asked him to kill me to get
me out of the picture. Assad was so appalled by her fickleness, he gave me a
choice between killing her and letting her go. That was so honorable of him,
I thought, I ended up pardoning him and becoming his bitch. I changed my name
to Isis, because it felt more appropriate. But I was still so taken by
Syria’s treachery that I accidentally stumbled and the dagger I was carrying
in my hand went through my heart. Someone would later steal the dagger.
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Obama
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(Speaking
nonchalantly) All these stories are false. I know, because I was there
when the rape and murder happened. I could have stopped the whole thing, but
I just didn’t want to interfere. I didn’t think it was my business really.
Anyway, Assad did rape Syria. She wanted Sunni to avenge her honor. Sunni was
a bit hesitant because he felt that Syria didn’t put much of a fight, and
that she was now defiled. What an idiot. But Syria kept
insisting, and kept inciting the two men against each other, until they
started fighting. There were hesitant at first, and obviously incompetent, I
could have stopped them. But you know, not my business. Anyway, eventually
Assad won and killed Sunni, but only because he got a little help from his
friends: Khamenei and Putin. At that point, Syria ran away to Europe, and
Assad limped his way back to his lair, where he is now being “protected” by
his “friends.” In a moment of epiphany, I decided to keep the dagger with
which Sunni was killed, you know, as a souvenir and to commemorate the whole
event, and all that. I felt it the moral thing to do.
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Putin
|
Let
me show you what the moral thing to do is. See those children that Syria left
behind, I am going to take their clothes and baby bottles and give them to
the starving and cold children in Russia. I am a good provider I am.
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Obama
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Confound
you, you bandit. I won’t let you do it.
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Putin
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I’m
a bandit? You stole the fucking dagger and you’re calling me a bandit. How rich!
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Europe
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You
know, I will reluctantly take some of the children and the refugees. Some of
my children may not like it so much, and may give them hell, but, I have to
find a way to appease my guilty conscience. After all, I, too, watched the
whole thing and did nothing. I was of 28 minds about it, and some of them
didn’t seem to fit really. But most refugees have to stay far. Very far.
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UNHCR
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You
guys are all inconsiderate moronic assholes.
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Syria
|
Is
there a way of drawing your attention again to the fact that I am still
alive, and still being raped? Is there anyone left who will stand up for me?
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© Ammar Abdulhamid 2016
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Note: I think it was around 1978 when my Mom played the role of the
wife in the Syrian version of Rashomon. I attended many of the
rehearsals and quite a few of the shows. They took place at the famous
Al-Hamrah Theater in Damascus. The audience did not seem to get the play. By
the late 1970s, Assad’s soldiers had come to make up the majority of the
audiences attending such cultural events, all to the detriment of the cultural
scene in Damascus, and Syria in general. I don’t think the play was ever
produced again.